Eggnography

Dear Santa,
With such a long & stressful night ahead of you, we wanted to leave you a little herbal refreshment to mellow your vibe.
BTW, do you have a medical card, yet?
We went ahead and got you one so you can avoid hassle with the Cali police.
We should warn you that this is pretty strong stuff. If you get too foggy & you’re high as a kite, Rudolph can guide your sleigh tonight. (He doesn’t partake in “reindeer games” so he’s an awesome designated sleigh driver.)
Anyhoo, Thanks so much for being such an awesome “Gifting” role model. You truly are an inspiration.
Thanks again for all you do.
Love,
Jimmy & Johnny
p.s. If you are not a smoker, just leave this underneath the tree of any college student.

Dear Santa,
We at the Eggnography Institute for Yuletide Research are dedicated to maximizing the Xmas experience for all good little boys and girls (plus related icons and subsidiaries.)
Due to recent climate change research we can no longer endorse the current “Father Christmas” uniform that has been used consistently in recent decades. (With the noted exception of the “Neon Santa” outfit that was used briefly during the 80’s.)

While the fashion statement is still effective, the world temperatures simply make a full body winter suit to be uncomfortable in 2009, and no doubt dangerously hot in coming years.

So we have had our researchers use the latest in computer simulation technology (as well as cutting edge weather forecasting software) to design the ideal apparel for your future world-wide toy runs.

2009 (Current.)
We know it will be warm, but let’s stick with this look for the time being.

2010
Starting next year, let’s take the obvious steps towards shorts and lighter fabrics.

2020
By this time, any fabric will be mostly symbolic. But we think it will be important to wear the red speedo to maintain brand consistency (and avoid scaring toddlers.)

2030
By 2030 we plan to have our genetic fashion modifications deployed and see Santa Inc. a leader in underwater dwelling. The webbed fingers, gills, and merman tail are all shown in figure 4.

We hope you are as excited as we are about our aquatic Yuletide future! Thanks for everything and enjoy the rest of your night!

Merry Xmas,
Jimmy & Johnny, Eggnography Institute for Yuletide Research.

p.s. Please leave some spit, sweat or semen in the glass so we can begin working on your genetic modifications.

(letter & gift out on Xmas eve 2008)
Dear Santa,
The economic downturn has been tough on all of us. And while we’re not privy to your financial statements, the number of kids asking for ipods and cell phones can NOT be making things any easier for you.
But not to worry!
We have been tossing around some ideas and we think we have some rock-solid ideas to help you maximize profits and avoid any Elfin layoffs.

We’ve come up with 2 new revenue streams for you:

1) Leverage your good name.
(Not in a tacky way, of course.) We have a couple suggestions right off the bat and have initiated talks with Procter and Gamble (for a “Candy Cane” scented line of hair and beard grooming products) as well as the Nestle corporation (see prototype candy packaging attached to this note.)

2) Hire out the Elf workforce during the off season.
There are hundreds of options, but the obvious one to start with are as stunt men for children (duh! Maybe you are already doing this?) We also have some interested parties who would like to get started on some miniature re-enactments of Civil War battles.

Look, we love you and don’t mean to tell you how to do your business. But times are tough and we hate to see you (or any Elf families) suffer.

Humbly,
Jimmy & Johnny

AWESOME Reply from santa after the cut
Read more »

Merry Xmas!!!
(substitute your faith of choice for “X”)
I love the Xmas season.
For me, this is the time I can use my fireplace in Southern California without guilt and reflect on the wonderful memories of the past 12 months.

The fact that we have a big Santa-based holiday to enjoy on Dec 25th makes it all the better. I say “Santa-based” because there seems to be much more energy invested in gift giving & decorating than anything Christ-focused. I don’t say that critically! In fact, it’s a shame this season still has the attachment to a specific faith. It would be great to be able to enjoy a celebration of love without feeling like it was excluding Jews, Hindu’s or Ninjas.
Read more »

During HugNation today, I read the letter my brother and I left for Santa last year on Xmas eve.

I LOVE our xmas eve tradition.

Santa’s response after the cut…
Read more »

What should we leave out for Santa this year?!

If you are new to the Eggnography tradition, here it is in a nut(cracker)shell:
My brother & I leave out an “adult” gift & silly note for Santa each year.

• beard makeovers
• self-help books
• bondage equipment
• (fake) illegal drugs
• *check out older eggnography posts for detailed examples

The trick is to be funny & topical without crossing the line so far that you get coal in your stocking. (Yes, that happened the year we called Santa “obese” and left out carrot sticks. My stocking was filled with BBQ charcoal briquettes and a snippy note from “Santa.”)

Problem is, after more than a decade, our creativity is running thin!
Any ideas!? LEAVE A COMMENT or join us at HugNation today (LIVE) at 1pm pacific where I’ll talk about the tradition and we’ll brainstorm a bit.

UPDATE: Just had a call with my brother where we discussed the suggestions below (Raisinettes!!) and I think we’re on the right track.
The theme is “Ways Santa can deal with the economic downturn.”

1) Selling reindeer pellets as gourmet coffee additive, or chocolate coat them for festive movie treats.
2) Hiring out the elves in the off season. (more coming)

(tree graphic by Janice)

**Please comment on NBC site!**

this week’s special holiday hug was awesome. We even started the show with some holiday dancing cheer! (full show)

Last year we left this (travel-safe) bottle

This Burning Man-Inspired Tale has become a new Holiday classic.

And the note that my brother & I left with the box…
Read more »

13 Holiday Activity Ideas:n:

1. Tease kids who have to go to school during their religious holidays.

2. Don gay apparel.

3. Try telling a cop, “actually, the pipe is for my snowman.”

4. Ponder eggnog. (they should call it “flegmnogg”)

5. Punch anyone who says, “Like a Lightbulb!” while singing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.

6. Play dreidel drinking games.

7.Run around and play TRON on a street with lots of X-mas lights.

8.Say, “Mmm, mmm, fruitcake!” whevever you pass gas.

9. Walk around the house wearing nothing but tinsel.

10. Adopt all the sick dogs from the Humane Society and give them as gifts.

11. Sculpt Nativity Scenes out of lunchmeats.

12. Make a gingerbreak crackhouse.

13. Think up holiday-themed names for your genitalia like: Yule Log, Santa’s Little Helper, Pubic Wreath, or stocking stuffer.

(leave YOUR suggestions in the comments)